First dates can be nerve-wracking and overwhelming, but if you’re lucky, the sparks will fly and you’ll want to go out with the person again. If there’s no chemistry, that’s where the story usually ends, with no likelihood of giving it another chance. But one expert warns that may be exactly the wrong call.
According to clinical psychologist Dr. Roxy Zarrabi, the spark is actually a terrible metric. Here’s why you may want to consider a second date, even if there’s no immediate chemistry on the first one.
- Those butterflies might just be anxiety – First dates can be pretty stressful, sending your heart racing and your stomach into knots, while your brain is incredibly aware of every awkward moment. The thing is, those are the same physical responses as attraction and your nervous system can’t tell the excitement from anxiety. Research has even shown that higher anxiety in the moment can boost how attracted you feel to someone. So those “sparks” may just be stress, not a sign of connection.
- Instant chemistry can make you blind to red flags – Feeling strong chemistry off the bat has a tendency to make people conveniently ignore warning signs they shouldn’t. Our judgment gets skewed when we’re feeling dazzled by someone, so we miss things.
- Chemistry can grow – There’s a psychological concept known as the exposure effect that describes how repeated contact with someone you feel neutral about can slowly build into attraction. So a first impression that’s meh doesn’t have to be a dead end, it could be a real beginning.
- Sparks could mean you’re repeating old habits – If your relationship history is loaded with intense highs and dramatic lows, someone who’s calm and steady might feel more boring than stable. We’re drawn toward the familiar, and if your familiar means volatile, that pull you’re feeling may “just be your old habits showing up with a different face,” according to Dr. Zarrabi.
- Outside factors are messing with your read – Being nervous and stressed makes it hard to show up as yourself on a first date. Someone may be much different when they’re comfortable, but you won’t know if you write them off.
- Sparks have nothing to do with compatibility – What really makes relationships work is shared values, emotional intimacy, and long-term goals, and you don’t need chemistry for any of those. Sure, sparks are fun to feel, but relationships built on those tend to burn out quickly.
Source: Vice
